Can it be tamed?

I find that my hardest emotion to control is anger.

Anger is hard for me to control because it’s the root of so many other actions and emotions. From anger can stem wrath, suspicion, mischief, and even sadness. It’s a fire that I struggle to contain and, often times, let burn uninhibited. Anger is an emotion that demands expression and action and response.

I love finding my zen and being the boss of my own mind and heart… But anger really is a beast I have yet to learn to completely tame. Let’s be honest… Is it even possible to domesticate it?

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Orchestra

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Creativity and ego cannot go together. If you free yourself from the comparing and jealous mind, your creativity opens up endlessly — Just as water springs from a fountain. Creativity springs from every moment. You must not be your own obstacle. You must not be owned by the environment you are in. You must own the environment, the phenomenal world around you. You must be able to freely move in and out of your mind. This is being free.

— Jeong Kwan | Chef’s Table S3 E1

It’s a wonderful practice to live life deliberately, down to the small details and tiny decisions you make. Whether you’re executing that next bench press or simply lifting the edges of your lips to smile, you must realize that it’s a manifestation of your control over these parts of your life.

We often feel bogged down by what is out of our control.  It can be illness, the economy, the weather, and our work. We fail to see that these circumstances are just a handful compared to the instances where we do have full, beautiful control.

You must think of your life like an orchestra. You are one beautiful conductor. Your body is an instrument that is unparalleled in this physical world. See your movements as a dance you’re the choreographer of and pay attention to the things you do. You must be present in the way you live. It takes a lot of mental power at first — But you’ll find that more things in this life are relaxing and borderline therapeutic.

I found that the easiest place for me to start was in the morning making my coffee and breakfast. It’s best executed in silence, so that I can fully concentrate on the tasks at hand. I watch the coffee beans fall into the grinder and listen to the hum it makes as it reaches the perfect texture. I let the scent fill my lungs and the air around me when I lift the cap. I hear the bubbles jostle in the coffee maker and watch the bronze stream of liquid slowly fill the pot. You really need to immerse yourself in these small tasks to see the poetry in every second of it. I am outside of my mind at this point — engrossing myself in the colors and sensations of the world around me. The mundane things become marvelous if you allow yourself the experience.

When things aren’t as beautiful outwardly, you must remember that you can go back into your mind. You’re more capable than it seems. Remember when you were a child and you could imagine whole worlds and characters around you? Just close your eyes and fill it with anything that brings you joy, or peace, or passion, or warmth… and if that doesn’t work, revel in the silence you can create in meditation when you draw yourself into the comfort of yourself.

This episode of Chef’s Table really resonated with me because she found freedom and peace without getting lost in the world. She was able to create without any barriers and without her own self as an obstacle. I sincerely believe that living deliberately and removing ego can bring yourself to freedom and your highest creative power.

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Why don’t I divorce?

I don’t believe in divorce.

When I say that, I obviously don’t mean that I don’t believe it exists. I’m aware that most relationships in my country ultimately end up in a divorce… or two. Or three. Relationships aren’t something that are “forever” here.

For this blog post I’m going to leave out all the religious beliefs I have on divorce and totally just go with my life experiences. This is for the sanity of anyone who might stumble upon this blog and not care for the Bible bumping.

Growing up as a book-toting and romance movie consuming child, I was often plagued with the vision of a love lasting an eternity — An unconditional and pure image of fidelity and unchanging passion. This turned from something I saw in the media to something I sought out as a goal in my older life. It’s almost laughable that I managed to hold on to that goal for so long. I guess it really does show how stubborn I am and I almost pat myself on the back for how headstrong of a woman I can be… even if what I want is totally something unattainable.

All the relationships in my life have been broken or stained.

  • My father cheated on my wonderful mother multiple times throughout my childhood. (I had to be the unfortunate one to discover the first time!)
  • My first boyfriend had a girlfriend and I had no idea until we both were invited by his mother to his birthday.
  • In the relationships following this, all my boyfriends also seemed to not be satisfied by having just one woman in their life.
  • I am now married to a man who has cheated on me. I am still married.

So why don’t I divorce him? There is no point.

Despite the situations I have found myself in throughout my romantic life and despite all the (for lack of a more accurate word) shit my heart has gone through… I am living a happy life. An incredible, whole, happy life.

I made the mistake of making a man first place in my life. I’m married now… but he’s not first place in my life.

Why divorce him? There really IS NOT a point. Divorce is messy and expensive… and even if I do find another person, it will be the same thing: An imperfect relationship where at some point he will become bored of me and interested in someone else.

And… let’s face it. I can survive all of that. I can wake up the next day and still be an amazing woman. Why go through a divorce when I can just keep on with my life. He’s not a horrible person. I don’t have to go through that process just because he makes a mistake or three… or seven… or if his existence is a mistake. (Harsh. I don’t mean it.)

At the end of the day, we have great times and we learn to live with the consequences of what we do and what we go through. No matter what I go through in life, my romantic life isn’t the most important thing to me. I am a woman with dreams, goals, and a lot of hard work. It’s my life and he’s a side character. Whether or not he makes me happy 100% of the time is on him. I can be happy in other ways when he fails. I have so many more interests and hobbies than just my husband… and I’m not a low life who needs another person aside from who I married in order to be happy. I’m content with him, despite him being incredibly imperfect.

I’ve lived a life that proves to me that I can be a happy and wonderful person despite how people treat me and no matter where I am on another person’s priority list. The simple way of keeping others from hurting you is ultimately not completely caring what they think of you before you sleep at night.

So am I happily married? Yes. Because it doesn’t need to be a honeymoon every day in order for me to be happy. If you marry someone, they don’t have to be your world. You don’t need to let go of the talents you had when you were single or the hobbies that you had to express yourself. You don’t have to stay in one place — You can travel with or without him. You can sing and pray and jump and dance and live your damn life. If he happens to be a sucky character in your life story, it’s not your fault. For whatever reason of God or power of the universe or whatever you believe in… He’s the one who is supposed to be the partner for your story. Make of that as you will… You can survive it and you will be happy.